Brilliant Deductions (bardiclug) wrote,
Brilliant Deductions

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Good Ol' Lutheran Guilt

I have buckets fulls of it, passed down for generations. Even though I do not consider myself a Lutheran anymore, and for quite a while now. But still, I suppose I had no chance.

I don't know if I'm a good father. Sad, eh? I imagine every father feels this way, more or less often depending on their personal guilt tolerance. But I'm feeling it hard the last two weeks or so.

Last week especially was bad. At work it was The Week From Hell(tm). I had to actually walk away from a project, something that I've never done, and something that is just out of my work character. It's been hard to deal with.

Then there's the normal - I'm gone 10 to 12 hours a day, M-F commuting and working. When I leave, I've seen Zoe for an hour or so. Some days I get to feed her breakfast. Most days I'm, get a cuppa joe, then get in the shower, eat breakfast and go. By the time I get home, she's asleep.

I relish my weekends when I can see her all the time. I carry her everywhere, just so I can be close to her. I let Amanda sleep in on Sunday as late as she wants, and Zoe and I have our together time in the morning. Usually our weekends are full of "going out and doing stuff" or "people coming over here so we can do stuff" (being the social animals that we are) and although I do get to spend time with the family and our friends this way, after weeks of this, I feel like not only am I getting the short end of the stick, but that Zoe is going to turn on me one day in her teens and say "If you had been around more often, ... "

And I guess that's the crux of it right there. My dad wasn't around during some of the most formative parts of my life when I REALLY NEEDED him to be there. We've since patched up our damaged relationship and we get along pretty good now (babies will do that), but I can't say with a clear conscience that I have completely forgiven him. And I don't want to do that to my child. It scares the bejeesus out of me.

Of course, on some level, that's only marginally more scary than realizing that there is a bejeesus IN me to begin with, but that's something else....

On the good side, I did put together a new computer today, with 50% of my old hardware, and it just now booted up and is working. So hooray for me. :)

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